As people probably already know my New Year's Resolution was to do more random things and I made a list of some of the random things I want to do, but I really just wanted to get out of my apartment more to experience new things. 

This to add to my list:
Play mini golf.
Drive a go cart. 

Things done on my list:
Get my ears re-pierced.
Find Waldo in the Land of Waldos. 
Finish the Harry Potter series.

I'm definitely pleased with this year thus far.  I've been going out more and have definitely made an effort to get out of the apartment.  Some randomly awesome things that have happened because of this including meeting Andre from project runway and realizing that Long Island Ice tea is awesome!  I've just been having a blast!  I'm definitely going to try to get together with my friends more both from home and the ones in Worcester.  I'm also enjoying my classes.  They are a lot of work, but they are also really interesting. 

I also have a Twitter account now that I might end up updating more than this... we'll have to see...

Something else I've rediscovered is my love for David Boreanaz.  Not only is he incredibly hot, but he also shares my Birthday!  The weird thing is that he is exactly 17 years older than me... crazy!  But he is still drop dead sexy.  The fact that he is afraid of chickens just makes him even more adorable!  He also cracks me up in his own special way.

Dark haired, tall, dorky, adorable, funny boys are the sexiest!

So far this year I am really enjoying myself already.  Kat helped me find Waldo and I got my ears re-pierced and my helix pierced.  Stephen is also going to help me find good music for me to listen to.  Hooray!  I have already gotten out of my apartment more this year than I did last month I think.  i don't count going to work as leaving my apartment... so I did get out of my apartment a lot last month... but not to do fun things. 
I think my stubbornness is keeping me from getting over some things.  I never really realized how it could get in the way of things this week.  I knew I could be really stubborn over stupid things... but I didn't realize it could take over my rational mind also...
Well I need to get to sleep. 

Another new year and I have no idea what to expect out of this one.  Last year was totally not what I expected it to be... but things turned out (for the most part) the way I feel they should have.  The things that happened in the first half of the year I wasn't sure i would get over, but now I can officially say I am over them.  It is nice to be 100% sure of being over someone. 
New Year's Eve was a lot of fun this year.  I think it was probably the best New Year's I've had in a while.  Last year was a lot of fun, except for my panic attack... but this year went so much more smoothly besides a couple of little glitches.  I mean they didn't ruin the night or anything, so I'd say it was definitely successful.
I actually have a New Year's Resolution this year that is pretty awesome!  It is basically for me to do more awesome / random fun things this year.  I'm starting to make a list, which I'm sure I'll add to constantly.  But here is what I have so far:

Drink the equivalent to 10.67 shots of gin in some other form of alcohol (because that is honestly more gin than I can stomach) and play basketball.  If you want a slight explanation of this then just go here.
Do a hedge maze.
Go to a strip club.
Get my ears re-pierced.
Road trip to sonic and white castle.
Go to a Red Sox Vs. Yankees game... Jess wants to take us to one in NY... which worries me a bit, but it would be pretty awesome non the less.
Go to Canada.
Play in a mud pit... apparently there are ones you can go to that are like mud pit theme parks or something... it sounds really awesome to me for some reason.
Play laser tag.
Go to the Worcester Art Museum... because I've lived here for almost 4 years and never been... kind of sad...
Go to the 80's lounge because it just sounds lame but cool.
Go to the Worcester Armories.
Walk on a giant rope bridge (this one REALLY freaks me out because of how much I hate heights... but I feel like if I had enough moral support I could do it possibly...)
Find Waldo in the Land of Waldos. 
Finish the Harry Potter series.
Get a sleep schedule... cause I need one stat!
Do spree day the Clark way... it is going to be legen-dary!
Go to Skylight skating.
Go to a circus!  This is the one that I feel like I would be the most disappointed if it didn't happen.  Especially after I read my book... I just want to go SO BAD!!!
Play flip-cup.
Go to a hockey game.

I have actually already done some things that I never did before. 
I had a long island ice tea which was soooo goood!  I also had a Harpoon Winter Warmer which I had never tried.  It was beer so it was eh... I also tried to make a slap bet with people... but it didn't fly.  How come girls can have children, but no one will get in on a bet with them where the other person might have to slap them.  If we are going to be popping out kids then you should at least be kind enough to help us build our tolerance for pain.  JEEZ! 
So now that I probably sound slightly crazy, I am going to go to bed...

Water for Elephants was basically my dream book!  It had EVERYTHING!  It was also exactly what I needed after reading books that were crushing my soul for the last few months, this was actually up lifting.  Sometimes I feel like reading a good book is better than sex, but I'm not sure if that really is true.  It is the equivalent i think, unless you count cuddling... then sex and cuddling beats out hands down...
I wish life was truly as awesome as it seems in the book.  Even though things kind of suck for most of the book... I'm not sure if that's truly how life works though. You can't just hop on a circus train and wind up having an amazing whirled wind adventure.  I can't really describe any of this without giving away the ending of the book.  I know no one really reads this, but I hate when people do that I won't. 
Even though I know I am going to be clobbered all over again in the near future... that's life... you get clobbered and hopefully something good comes out of it somewhere down the line...
Now that I drained most of my remaining computer battery I probably won't be online until tomorrow night at the earliest but it could even be Sunday until I get my power cord....  Weeeee

Hope everyone has a great Christmas or whatever holiday you are celebrating this month.
I was watching It's a Wonderful Life, which cracks me up because of the fact that Mary becomes a spinster and the angel is like you aren't going to like it! She never married!  And of course what is her occupation?  A librarian!  You also may notice that she becomes plain and ancient looking... it kind of freaks me out.  She was so hot before and then it all went to hell.
My goal as a librarian is not only going to be to serve the community to the best of my ability, but also to be the sexy librarian that all men fantasize about.  Although, I would prefer not to be single for the rest of my life. 
Originally I was going to write more in this post... but my laptop's battery is about to run out... plus I am kind of tired...

This weekend was just.... ridiculous... it kind of followed the theme of the week.  The snow was beautiful, but kind of screwed things up, although I got out of a day of work... and since it would have only been a 4 hour day then I really didn't lose a lot of money or anything.  Even though most of the weekend consisted of sleeping, trying to eat, feeling sick, feelings all over the place, and watching TONS of How I Met Your Mother (which is now one of my favorite shows and has kept me sane this week) there were still random ridiculousness that managed to sneak in. 
Most of it involved eggnog... which I will never be able to drink... not that I liked it... but after this weekend... not happening...
So the real reason I wrote this post was because I couldn't help but think how different my life is now than I ever thought it would be.  Not just from what I thought it would be like in high school.  I was WAY off... it's kind of funny thinking back on it.  Besides the idea I had in my head of graduating and moving to Cali and learning to serf.  Not that I wouldn't love to one day move to California, it's just that I realize you can't plan on ANYTHING in life.  Even things you think are a sure thing never turn out the way you expect them to.  What is the point of trying to plan things out?  It's much better to just deal with things as they are thrown at you.  You don't know what you are going to be doing, who you are going to be with, so why plan things out just to be disappointed?  It just doesn't make sense that way.  It's weird because their aren't many things I really wanted out of life.  Basically not to be my mom, get out of college, move out of my house, fall in love and get married, become a writer, and that was about all I could figure out.  If someone told me 3 years ago that I would be going to grad school I would have laughed in their face.  Two years ago I would never believe that I would be living in Worcester in an apartment with 3 awesome people.  A year and a half ago I would have completely ignored the idea that me and Bill would be broken up.  But my favorite change that I realize is that I am happier than I have ever been.  I actually love the person I have become in the last few years.  I may not have amazing self esteem, but oh well.
The only thing I really don't like about myself is that I am a shitty friend.  I do what people do in relationships and give up when things get complicated.  It's so lame, I just feel like people disappear.  They move, they transfer to other schools, they get jobs far away.  I don't know why I feel like being in a relationship is different... it really doesn't make sense... I've only had 2 relationship that lasted for more than a few months, so I am well aware that people jump out of relationships easily.  But I will make an effort to be a better friend, especially since I only have 3 classes next semester so I will actually have a life.
This is just a completely random thought, I realized at work that getting dumped is the same feeling I get when I am on those rides that free fall or have huge drops.  I have always HATED that feeling... even though I don't mind big drops as much and I wont instantly cry like I used to, I still hate it.  Although, now that I realized why that feeling bugs me so much, it will probably just bother me a lot more... crap...
I'm not sure if I have anything else to say on this random rant... except that I feel like Marshall from How I Met Your Mother at the end of 1st/ beginning of 2nd season... of course not to that extreme because that would just be pretty weird and scary... Also, things don't end up like they do in movies or are tv... so it's really not the same.  I just couldn't help notice some similarities there... cause that's what I always do.  I almost don't even feel like posting this... because it's so lame and may not make a lot of sense because it is late... but I typed it all out so I might as well post it all I guess...
Booo having to wake up in like four hours... stupid clearing off my car at 9 am ish... and I am still not going to fall asleep for another hour or so because I am listening to my favorite Christmas songs... I need to fix my sleeping schedule.

This week was filled with frustration, one great surprise, and one awful surprise.  I had a really frustrating presentations where I shook so bad I could hardly speak.  But at least I am finished with the semester from hell. 
Then I found out that I passed my class, which is really awesome.
And then I was dumped.  So it has been a very bittersweet week.  Even though now I realize that this is the best thing for him right now and things would definitely not have worked ignoring his feelings.  It may suck, but it needs to be done.  Not to say that I'm perfectly happy about it all, but I can actually say that I am okay with it and I am smiling again.  I know in the long run things will work out for the best however things work out.  Of course there are a lot more feelings that went along with this, but I have wrote out my feelings about this whole thing so much over the last couple of days that I am not ready to do it all over again. 
I just can't wait to spend Christmas with my family.  I only get two days at home, but that's better than I had for thanksgiving!  Hopefully I'll work a little less after Christmas so that I can spend time with my friends. 
Christmas tree time!!!

I am really trying to get used to the fact that I am pretty much failing my cataloging class, but it's not working very well.  I do not see how there is any chance in me passing because I just have no idea what the hell I am doing.  I think what I am doing is right for the most part... but now I have to do this thing called cuttering... but there are no notes for it besides the LCC way which I don't understand... this is just too much information for me to handle... arrrgggggggg.
I guess if I had to retake the class over the summer, it would suck pretty hardcore, but at least it would be the only class I was taking.  Also, since I already know how to do most of it I could probably get a pretty decent grade... But it sucks bottom line.  I just have never been so lost at something in my whole life.  Except maybe Pre-Calc... but at least teachers in high school were nice enough to pass you if you tried.  Nope, no such luck here.  I do bad on one assignment and my grade drops from an A to a D... this is the most ridiculous thing ever.
I know this isn't the end of the world and it's so lame to get so upset over a stupid grade... it's just frustrating when it costs so much money and I tried so hard.  The semester that finals don't make me cry will be the best semester ever...
All I want for Christmas is to pass my cataloging class!  Although, I think the chances of that happening are the same as me winning the lottery. 

I will never understand how people can drink to feel better about how shitty life is.  I think it has the opposite affect on me.  I can be in a great mood and then if I drink and things don't go my way... BAM I am in a huge depression.  Or at least that's how it was tonight.  Acting like this makes me feel like such a brat... it is such BS.
Sometimes I wish I could listen to music so loud it takes over my brain and completely shuts everything down and the music takes over all thoughts. 
I really wonder if real love exists.  I don't know if I have ever seen it. All I've seen is one sided bullshit that I feel is so fake.  Maybe I expect too much out of it.  Ideals just fuck people over.  Nothing can meet the expectations of the ideal.  Like the Utopian society... that is juts doomed.  Their is just no such thing... maybe that is how love is...

Do you ever wonder how someone can be so amazing and then you realize that they must have a flaw but you can't figure it out?  That's how I feel right now.  Unless liking a show that drives you crazy is a flaw... but I don't think that counts because I feel like it's a show I should like but randomly do not. 
All I know is that he is amazing!

Before I say anything I just want to make it clear that I know I am turning into a bit of an insomniac!  I'll work on it I promise!!!  I just have all this craziness in my head I have to get out in order to have a chance of sleeping!
This Thanksgiving has probably been the best Thanksgiving ever!  My family did not fight!  Yes there was name calling and a bit of verbal abuse, but in such a minor scale that it was refreshing!  If you know  me at all... you should know how big a deal this is!  I had soo much fun with my family and it actually made me happy to help out.  I got to do all the grunt work of pealing potatoes and yams.  I cleaned up after breakfast and even drove my brother around all day Wednesday shopping for groceries.  It was all still fantastic!  It probably had to do with the fact it was just my mom, dad, my brother, and me.  No one had to shower, get dressed, clean, or even set the kitchen table. It was the most ghetto Thanksgiving I've ever had... but it was fantastic.  I even got to see the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade... with the new Hello Kitty float... yes I am 5... This Thanksgiving was so much different from last Thanksgiving and I thought that was pretty awesome, but it doesn't even compare.     
Now that Thanksgiving is over it is time to face the reality of the rest of my life.  My stupid cell completely died and I had to pay $50 to get it fixed... and it is already having the same problem!  I wouldn't have bothered to replace it, but the cell phone stopped recognizing my phone battery when I took it into the store.  Apparently that is not something you can ignore.  So now on top of all my Christmas expenses I have added that cost.  However, I did get a really great deal on a new digital camera.  I can't deal with not having mine anymore!  I did get most of my Christmas shopping done.  I'm just having problems with a couple of peoples gifts... I'll figure that out though.
My biggest problem right now is the fact I have a D in my cataloging class that I had an A in... Yay getting a 25 on a midterm.  The teacher actually wrote me an e-mail saying that I must not have done the readings for the assignment.  Else I would have been able to figure it out.  I feel like this is 8th grade all over again... I learn differently and if I don't get something and get confused it takes more than reading more confusing jargon!  Sometimes I think teachers and professors think that most students don't care when they totally fail things.  Maybe we are just completely lost and put 9 hours into a stupid assignment just to keep getting confused.  100s of pages of powerpoint notes and text reading with no examples really is not going to clear things up for me... Whatever, she may not have faith in me figuring this crap out, but I'll do my best.  Worst case scenario, I take the class again and build upon the information I already understand and strictly focus on this one element I do not get!  I may have to suck it up and drive down to RI to get through it... but I need the class to get my degree so I'll just suck it up.  I already had my freak out at home about this so I feel a lot calmer now.  Also, I'm waiting for an e-mail back to see if she can give me any suggestions on what will help.  I can't do anything at this point but wait to see what she says.
The plus side of this is that I have about two and a half weeks left until the end of this semester from hell!  Then I will be working constantly and will actually  make enough money to pay off my Christmas spending.  Plus now that it's after Thanksgiving I can listen to Christmas music and not feel like a crazy person.  It may seem too early, it's just that I am sooo sick of the rest of my itunes... I need new music.  Also, it is all really cheerful and not as depressing as some of the music on my itunes.  I am getting in this rut where mankind in general is getting me depressed.  It may also be caused by the fact that it's winter and cold, but it just seems like my observations in life and conversation I have with people sum up to people suck.  People just lie, cheat, look down on others, only care about themselves, are rude, crazy, ridiculous... I could go on forever... I need to get out of this stupid rut.  People suck, yeah that's a part of life. Some people are amazing and that's what you need to focus on.  The sucky people just end up helping you grow as a person and you can either let them turn you into a bitter asshole, or you can chose to stay positive and grow as a person.  I think some of the craziness that went down this year has a lot to do with these feelings.  I just tried to ignore all my pent up emotions that I let them consume me a bit.  I am pretty sure I know why that happened, I am just glad I am realizing all these things.  I am also glad I started up my LJ because it is helping me keep my sanity at this point. 
Another part of my sanity is the fact that I am opening up to people more.  At least I think so.  I think I have become way more outgoing.  Maybe it was a slow progression over the last year, but still I feel like I've changed a lot.  Probably for the best I'd say. 
The craziest thing ever is that I'm actually looking forward to this weekend being over because then I get to see Tristan again!  I will admit that I am a bit addicted to his presence, but in my defense I've hardly had a chance to talk to him this break.  He is just so much fun and we get along amazingly well.  It's weird, even though I was shy around him for maybe half an hour, once we were alone I kind of got over it and now I feel like I can talk to him about anything.  Which kind of makes me a little iffy and probably hold things back a bit, but I'm working on it.  I'm just not used to being so comfortable with someone so soon.  It has been less than a month since I've known him, that's a little weird to think about.  It's like time flies when we're together, but I feel like I've known him a lot longer.  I guess this is what happens when you someone a lot.  One of the best things ever is that he leaves a pillow over my apartment that smells like him, but it smells like his natural scent instead of cologne.  Usually I love cologne on guys, but I just love his smell so this doesn't bother me.  I actually like it better because it is unique to him.  Which is nice because their are no excess memories or thoughts stuck to that smell.  I don't think a boyfriend has given me anything that kept their scent for so long since my first relationship... but this is better because that was a pot and old spice smell... not very original and pretty stupid looking back on it.  The best thing about this relationship is it is just fun. No stress!  Now that I said that I am probably going to jinx myself.  I think I am going to stop now... I have to be ready for work in 4 hours...  Yikes...

I was up really late one night and couldn't sleep and like always my brain would not stop thinking.  For some reason it decided to go off and think of all the songs that reminded me of anyone in my life.  So I just compiled a list of all the songs that remind me of people.  I am sure I am going to miss some, in that case I'll just have to update this entry. 
I would also like to add that a lot of these songs have to do with the songs I was listening to at the time, and I am not going to even defend the music taste on some of these.

Katie: Lean on me- Club Nouveau  &  Bouncing off the Walls- Sugarcult

Elise: C'est La Vie- B*witched

Claire: Don't Want You Back- Backstreet Boys

Jay: Black Betty- Ram Jam   & Sit On My Face- Monty Python

Sam: I'm a lumberjack- Monty Python

Chris: Amber- 311

Matt: Complicated- Avril Lavigne

Pete: Criminal- Fiona Apple

Joe: Hero- Enrique Inglesias

Andre: Going Away to College- Blink- 182

Jeff: Pretty Girl- Sugarcult

Mike: Smack My Bitch Up- Prodigy  & Piano Man- Billy Joel

Bill: Mr. Brightside- The Killers & Sunday Morning- Maroon 5 & These Words- Natasha Bedingfield

Maura: One Week- Barenaked Ladies

JayMac: Living on a Prayer- Bon Jovi  & Bouncing off the Walls- Sugarcult

Scott: Champion- Kanye

Lee: Stronger- Kanye

Jess: Undone (The Sweater Song)- Weezer

Tristan: Bubbly- Colbie Caillat

My family: We Didn't Start the Fire- Billy Joel

Allyson: Copacabana- Barry Manilow

Mary: Galileo- Indigo Girls

3rd floor Bullock: This Love- Maroon 5

Dennis- The "amputate my face" song

That's all I can remember for now... it's pretty embarrassing admitting some of these but whatever.  No one really reads this thing anyway lol.

It is crazy how when you least expect to meet someone that you find someone you totally click with.  Life is so ridiculous, but awesome in that way!  That's all I have to say for now, but 7 and a half hour long dates are pretty great.      : )

Happy Late Halloween Everyone!

This week has been the biggest mind fuck ever.  My grandfather had a heart attack and he's in the hospital.  He is fine, but they are doing extra tests to make sure.  So who knows how that will go. 
Last week I broke up with my boyfriend, not because he was a bad guy, but because we were just not compatible in a relationship.  It sucks when two people can't make a relationship work.
I have so much on my mind that I can't concentrate on my midterm that is due Sunday... blahhhh.
The worst thing is I guess I am still stuck on Bill.  I finally cried about it last night for over an hour. That's something I hadn't allowed myself to do since the break up.  But I had a bit of a realization that made things harder.  My roommate pointed out that it is really hard to get to know me, which I've always known that I am shy, but I've never considered myself to be guarded.  But now that I think about it, I definitely am guarded and the reason it was so hard losing Bill is because he was the one of the only people I have ever REALLY opened up to.  I never really thought about it until my roommate brought it up.  It's funny how I know things between us can't work, but at the same time it's so hard to just let it go. 
I guess one of my new goals is not to be so guarded.  I'm sure it is one of the reasons my last relationship did not work.
But on a good note.  I love my new job. And I finally got my haircut after not having it cut in almost 4 months.  I love my new roommate Lee.  He is the shit.  I also just finished the Golden Compass and started the sequel.  It is nice to have something to distract me from all this other shit. 

Being in a new relationship is one of the best feelings. Everything is new and exciting.  The thing I like most about this relationship is that all his friends like me.  Even though most of Bill's friends liked me, it definitely put a strain on the relationship having his best friend hate my guts.  I think that was one of many signs that it wasn't going to work.  I know what the biggest sing was, but it's personal so we won't go there.  Plus if we hang out then I'm sure I'll tell you. 

I have officially moved on and have my first real date on Thursday.  He is really hot and sweet.
I am beyond excited!  Life is really good right now.  Not just because of this recent development, but I am just loving things.  I am really enjoying my summer class.  Yes it is a lot of work all at once, but I am reading some fantastic books... well maybe not fantastic, but I'm enjoying it. 
I also feel like my self-esteem has gone through the roof.  I have found a group of people that I love being around and I finally feel at home.  I see that everything has turned out just as it was suppose to. I could never have enjoyed my apartment as much as I do now with the situation I was in before.
One of the reasons I am posting this entry is just because I recently found all my old deadjournal user pictures and wanted to show at least one off.

Amazingly enough everything has been pretty good so far this month.
Do I have a job? No… What do I do with most of my free time? Homework....
But things are still good.  I am still loving my apartment.  I have to say I'm meeting really great people and having a good time.  I went to my first death metal concert... which is kind of crazy...  I only listened to two songs... but that's because the band just wasn't good according to the guy I was with.
I am learning about all these really great places in Worcester, including Ralph's Diner! 
I am playing pool once and a while, which I actually enjoy when people don’t make fun of me for sucking. 
All I really need to do is write this paper that is due Wednesday… Ahhhh I suck at procrastinating! 
I even found out about a library job... even though it's about fifty minutes from Worcester... it would be a great opportunity... apparently I am just never going to find a job anywhere near where I live... it actually pays really well and has the exact amount of hours I want... the trick is getting the job...
Now the only thing that I need to do is not be sick!

It's a new month and I have a new haircut.  I think these are both good things. 
Even though July is not starting off exactly as I would have hoped, I feel like things will only be getting better in the next month.
My mom is taking the cat to the vet today.  He is really sick... we think he lost 8 pounds in the last month or so.  I guess he completely stopped eating... Even though he is a mean cat, it is still sad that he will probably have to be put to sleep.  Then again, it is probably better to let him go in peace then continue on in pain. 
I still need to find a job... but that will happen... hopefully.  My summer class has basically taken up all my free time over the last week. It sucks cramming 14 weeks of work into a 4 week course... oh well... that's life. I feel like I might try to take another children's literature class sometime if I can find another school in the area that offers one that is inexpensive.  I don't want the extra credit, I just want to be exposed to as much children's literature as possible.  Although, I could just go to the library all the time and check books out.  Maybe I'll keep the reading list from my class and try to read at least 2 children's books a week when I'm not in school. Yes I am a dork who loves to read...
I'd also like to start dating again.  Although, that might have to wait until school gets going again.  There doesn't seem to be a lot of people my age left in Worcester this summer.  They all went home.  I doubt I'll be able to meet anyone in my program at URI.  They are mostly older women... I guess I'll just have to see.  Ho hum... life definitely keeps you on your toes!

I had my first grad school course today.  It was pretty fantastic.  It was really interesting and my professor is super nice.  I told her that I was a bit nervous because it was my first grad course and she said well it is a fun one!   You'll like it much more than the others you will have to take.  She was really fun and everyone is saying that they learned more in one class than they did in half a semester in some of their other courses. 
The only draw back is I'm the youngest person in the class.  There is only one other student who is in their early twenties.  Everyone else is about 20 years older than me.  I need to get some library experience... it is obvious that I may be pretty lost without it.  I guess I'll go to Worcester library on Friday to try again to get a library card and maybe a volunteer position. 
I have like 600 pages of reading and only a week to do it... I feel like I'm an english major all over again... although it will take me a lot less time to read children's books than literature books.